GRAND-FATHERING 101 / U.S. DIET IS DEADLY / SELF-CHECKOUT BLUES / NURSERY RHIMES HORROR
Grand-Fathering 101-ish
Being a grandfather is one of the best parts of my life. When you become a grandparent, you get to experience a new and different kind of love. You enjoy your kids becoming parents and watch their shifting from joy to panic and back to joy just as you did.
As a grandparent, the pressure is off. You hold them, love them, and then give them back when you’ve had enough and drive quickly away. But there are times when you have to be hands on. More than a visit, you have to get into the trenches and do some of the messy parental duties yourself.
Re-Learning
Grandmothers have the default maternal instinct to rely on. Us grandads forgot the hard parts over the years. But when the time comes you think you know what you’re doing.
Then comes the first diaper change. The stuff is everywhere, down the leg to the heels and all the way up to it’s right ear. After 37 baby wipes and a half a roll of duct tape, mission accomplished.
Oh, if you have a grandson in for a pit stop you probably forgot about the sneak attack from “Fountain Yellow” so don’t have your face directly in the line of fire.
Here are a few other lessons I had to learn, or re-learn:
Food & Drink
Parents today are pretty specific what food goes into the little angel. We were lucky we didn’t have all the food choices that are around today like organic, free-range, no sugar added, or non-GMO. Don’t think you’ll be able to sneak a Cheetos in there. The special maternal antennae is powerful and will detect even sub-atomic orange residue.
And how about trying to feed the little bugger . You need to be patient. Wait for the moment of weakness then jam in a spoonful of mush. It’s best to sit off to one side since there’s a good chance it’s coming right back out.
Nothing Important Below Three Feet, Then Four.
Now that you’re older, you have nicer things around the house. It’s time to survey your house for things that are within reach. That includes fragile decorative items, remote controls, open beers, and keys. You’re on the lookout for anything you don’t want to lose, could cause a panic when it’s missing, or could cause a lot of damage, like permanent markers.
Cell Phones
If you turn your back for a minute, those lightning speed little hands will grab your phone. And when they have 6.7 seconds of free time with it, they will get to the Amazon site. You’ll recover the phone to see that they’ve made it to “laptops” and you’re scrambling to cancel that quantity of 15.
What Do You Do When The Bundle Of Joy Loses It’s Mind?
It will happen, a full blown tantrum. At any moment they’ll realize that neither parent is in the room. First they start a slow scan of the space. They see that it’s just them and you. It begins when the forehead-wrinkles, eye brows go up, edges of the mouth go down and all hell breaks loose. However tempting it may seem, you can not put the monster down and leave the house. The best solution, find grandma, quick.
What To Do When Brothers Act Like, Well, Brothers
If a fight or argument breaks out between the boys, remember, protect yourself first. If it looks like no one is going to die, walk away and see if they can work it out.
If things haven’t subsided after an hour, just go in there and bark out something even you don’t understand. A moment of confusion will likely cause them to forget what they were fighting about.
Headmaster?
The pandemic brought a whole new element to grandparenting, supervising at-home-learning. Was that fun? Hell no! You’re on the verge of a headache working with a 1st grader trying to resolve technical issues with the remote classroom.
It takes you a few minutes but you remember that the 11 year-old in the other room is your on-call tech-support.
The Mystery Of Grandfather Names
Everyone has their special grandfather name. Grandpa, Pepe, Peepaw, Poppa. Papou, and Nonno. They’re all over the place. Some are traditional, some are accidental, like me. I’m “Popeye”. Not on purpose. I was supposed to be Pepere, like my father was to my kids and my grandfathers were to me and my sisters.
When our oldest grandboy was around two, and fully exploring the terrible part of that age, we took him and his mom out to Cracker Barrel for lunch. Part of the effort to amuse the little tyrant, I went into the gift shop and looked for something that might distract him. I found a posable Popeye toy which worked and at that moment he started calling me Popeye and now, all four of my Grandboys know me as Popeye.
Don’t Forget You’re Old Now
If you’re going to have your grandkids for any decent amount of time, realize you are a lot older than you were when your kids were that age. You’re gonna get tired, sorry, exhausted. Pace yourself. When they go down for a nap, ignore the scotch and catch a few winks yourself.
After 13 years of this blissful experience I remain in love with all 4 of my little devils, well, 3 little and 1 large. While I wouldn’t trade a second of my time with them away for anything, it will be a relief to be able to look back when they are older to see that they and I survived.
A Bit Of Humor
Health & Vitality
The U.S. Diet Is Deadly
It’s unnerving to see that one of the main ingredients of the food package you’re holding in the grocery store is a byproduct of some chemical experiment gone bad. On top of that, our famous food pyramid was designed by the team that has, as its mission, to have us eat as much crap as possible. In our grocery stores, the “desert for breakfast” isle is loaded with fortified and sugar coated marvels of science.
The good news is we don’t have to eat the junk.
7 Ideas To Get Americans Eating Healthier
News
Nobody Likes Self-Checkout
Standing at the self-checkout, ready to “Search Item”, holding a pomegranate, “What the heck is this thing?” I say to Sue Sue. “Get out of the way” she replies in her most patient voice as she nudges me aside.
It took a while, but we’re finally, sorta, comfortable using the self-checkout. But I’m still grateful when I see that item I was sent to buy at the grocery store has a little bar-code sticker on it.
Oh well! We don’t have a choice. They are becoming the exclusive tool to grab you money and get you out of the store, so you better get used to them.
Here’s a fun article about our new best/worst friend at the store.
Fun & Frivolity
The Sinister Meanings Of Nursery Rhimes
We’ve heard them for years, these cute little nursery rhymes we used with our kids, grandkids, and in playgrounds as kids. Sweet stuff right? Not so fast. Here’s a list of the top few and what they’re really about:
“Jack and Jill”: Alcohol taxes.
“Here We Go Around The Mulberry Bush” Women’s prison.
“Rub-A-Dub-Dub”: Perverts.
“Ring Around The Rosie”: The Plague.
“Rock-A-Bye Baby: Fake birth and a civil war.
“Three Blind Mice”: Burned at the stake.
If you really want to learn more, this link is to an article with the adorable details. Enjoy! The Horror Of Nursery Rhimes
A Quote To Chew On
"You are precisely as big as what you love and precisely as small as what you allow to annoy you." Robert Anton Wilson Source: Nature's God